Christmas is a difficult time for everyone; so much pressure, you want it to be perfect and everyone is judging you. Well, if you are like me you’ll have a helping hand to make this Christmas truly special!
GFF was not a huge fan of Christmas but I’ve been converted and I now love it! It certainly makes the whole of December a bit more bearable. But for me, Christmas needs a little helping hand.
My Little Secret
All you need to do to have the perfect Christmas is to spend far too much money on it. It’ll solve all your problems. Here’s 7 days to save Christmas this year with money.
1. If you can’t express your feelings, say it with a box set
Don’t know what to get a man? But him a Lynx boxset. If he doesn’t stink, buy him a Jack Daniel’s and Coke box set. If he doesn’t drink or smell, buy him a DVD box set of something he can just watch on Netflix.
For women, jewellery – they come in boxes – is another option – and if you buy cheap you are a terrible person. If you don’t know how you feel about someone, put a dollar figure on it and spend that amount minimum.
2. Go overboard with kids’ presents
Kids TV is the best place to find out what you should buy them. Make sure it’s totally for enjoyment and pleasure so nothing educational whatsoever (they’ll never use it). Instead, buy something that costs about the same as your first car, takes up lots of space, makes loads of noise and requires batteries. Other ideas include ponies, dogs and the start of a collection that’ll cost hundreds of pounds to finish.
And make sure you get back to work asap to earn the money you use to buy gifts to make you feel better about neglecting them because you have to work so much.
And don’t forget the adults too – this could be a great time to start dabbling in recreational drugs. Could this be a White Christmas for you?
3. Make it a “White Christmas”
This year, why not try Class A drugs? Cannabis is for chavs and Special K is for the kids but good old Charlie will really make this festive period the best. Cocaine is the middle class drug of choice this year – try pairing with a hearty Rioja and loud Christmas music.
Class A refers to not only quality but also cost, so expect to fork out a bit for your new habit but luckily, it’s easier to score from your local drug dealer than it is to get a parcel from Amazon – so why wait?
4. Replace something big that you don’t need to.
What could be better than watching your new Christmas TV on your new Christmas sofa? Buy something better than what you have at the moment – especially if it’s in perfect working order. For added classiness, leave your old stuff outside in front of your house to show off to your neighbours.
5. Impress others – Give it up to the Jones’s
Talking about neighbours. Remember, their opinion counts more than yours so try to out do them by spending far too much on garden decorations. Head off to Home Bargains to see what you can find – it’s a treasure trove of good taste. Also, try giving all of your neighbours a bottle of (decent) wine – anything less than £15 and you needn’t bother – show them you are proper posh and you might just join that secret WhatsApp group that your cool neighbours are in but you don’t even know about!
6. Don’t forget minor acquaintances
Give the gift of awkward unease as you send your kids off to school arms full with delightfully wrapped boxes of chocolate for all the kids in their class and all of the teachers, dinner ladies and lollipop men. Don’t go cheap either! It’ll be sure to raise your profile around the school gates.
7. Put it all on a credit card and worry about it later
All that money that you’ve spent, don’t worry. There’s something called credit cards or Klarna or buy now / pay later to help you afford what you can’t afford. Even better, since you’ve spent more than you can afford, you’ll be paying off your debts for the whole of next year – reminding you of Christmas every single pay day.
Good luck & Merry Christmas, GFF