50 ways to leave your employer

The problem is all inside your head, HR said to me,
The answer is easy with a performance review annually,
“I’d just like some help in my struggle to be free,
There must be fifty ways to leave your employer”.

If we are talking about being financially independent, it means that you are probably financially dependent right now. Lucky if you are dependent on a spouse or parents (you trust fund leach!) but many of us have employment to contend with. Here we trade our brains and bodies for pounds and pence. It can last decades and leaving your employer may be difficult – like Stockholm Syndrome. So here are 50 tips to make it easier for you:

  1. Keep working until your natural retirement age
  2. Keep working until your unnatural retirement age
  3. Keep working until the company retires you
  4. Keep working until your company goes bust
  5. Keep working until your company restructures and you become redundant
  6. Train up that new recruit with massive student debt, low salary and an eagerness that you just can’t match; teach them everything you know and find out that you are both competing for the same job in the regular department shuffle
  7. Put the minimum amount of effort to avoid being fired but not enough to be personally satisfied with your work, keep it up until something changes
  8. Come into work but devote all your time to building a matchstick boat on your desk, continue until your Armada is complete then sail away into the sunset
  9. Read spy thriller novels instead of doing any work for many many years
  10. Ghost – just don’t show up
  11. Work from home but don’t do any work
  12. Arrive late, leave early, lunch often
  13. Go on the sick, real or imagined
  14. Turn up at work but don’t do anything especially when asked
  15. Physically come to work but spiritually you’ve already left
  16. Leave your soul at home and instead bring your miserable carcass to work embalmed in your cynicism and mistrust
  17. Die from a work related stress issue
  18. Have a massive nervous breakdown from working too much
  19. Have a massive nervous breakdown from working too little
  20. Sexually harass someone and be asked to leave
  21. Physically attack someone and be asked to leave
  22. Physically attack your boss and be imprisoned
  23. Bite the hand that feeds you, if you have an onsite café/restaurant
  24. Steal from the company and get caught and be asked to leave
  25. Steal from the company and use the money to quit
  26. Steal from the company and be imprisoned
  27. Blow the whistle on dodgy dealings and be forced out
  28. Be sexually harassed, report it and be asked to leave
  29. Leave your company for a similar one with a better working environment
  30. Leave your company for a crappy one with a worse working environment
  31. Just give up on your job and hope that your company gives up on you
  32. Leave but come back as a contractor doing the same work but with less Tax and NI and pension
  33. Volunteer for an ambitious project and fail, either leave then or get promoted, repeat
  34. Start drinking at work a lot
  35. Develop an alcohol dependency and seek help when confronted, go on the sick
  36. Generally be shit and unproductive
  37. Insult your bosses husband/wife at the Christmas party
  38. Engage in amateur espionage for a rival in a very conspicuous manner
  39. Use the company’s IT systems for rampant pornographic viewing when at work
  40. Use the company’s IT systems for eachway betting in your 9-5 spare time
  41. Misuse the company’s money when on business trips – upgrade your flights, get pished in restaurants and stay in 5* hotels only
  42. Use business trips as personal holidays for yourself and family
  43. Hire an Indian to do your job for you, pocket the 70% difference in salary
  44. Wait for a downturn to take voluntary redundancy
  45. Deliberately break one of the many pointless rules in your office, when confronted throw that open topped hot beverage all over the nark
  46. Be surprised that you are sold off when your division is bought out and you don’t get your voluntary redundancy
  47. Ask to go 3 days a week but make sure that you don’t actually do any days a week – keep them guessing if you are ever even in
  48. Be enterprising and blatantly set-up an eBay shop selling office stationary and furniture
  49. Make several terrible decisions that nearly bankrupt the company and then agree to mutually part ways after half the company has been sacked as a result of following your orders
  50. Earn well, spend less than that and invest wisely; part-take in employee matched pensions/salary sacrifice & share options; keep it up and build a reliable passive income; control spending and choose your departure wisely and never look back

Finally, the lyrics come from the wonderful Paul Simon


Thanks, GFF




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