How to Survive a Bear Market Attack!

The cold winds of Autumn have put an end to our Summer of booming optimism.  Now, it’s coming to Winter and you should be on the look out for Bear Markets!  Instead of hibernating this year and letting us enjoy a Santa Rally, global warming has meant that they are awake, cranky and desperately hungry (for your money!)

But how to best survive a Bear Market Attack?  Find out more…

Standing Black BearFist of all, you need to know which bear markets you are dealing with.  There are lots of bear markets and how you safely react to one will lead you to being KILLED by another!

So take care!

Bears are not naturally aggressive animals and are often afraid of humans (think about it; would you prefer to walk through a forest full of bears or a field full of bulls?

Grizzly Bear Market Attack

Image result for trump as a bear

Grizzlies or the North American brown bear is the least intelligent of all the bears.  Known for being aggressive but prone to growling before thinking about thinking.  The Grizzly is an solitary animal (but very family-focused) and extremely territorial – does not mix well with Brown Bears!  The grizzly likes honey and will do what it can to keep the price down – so far this year it’s worked!  Grizzlies love bubbles and they are eating their fill at the momentHoney and Wax companies are especially feeling the gnash of grizzly teeth!

What to do when a grizzly bear market attacks and your stocks head South faster than a patriotic Texan vigialante?

1. Carry bear pepper spray. Bears love Honey and aren’t interested in money.  Hold cash in the form of a cash buffer
2. Don’t run. The bear market can lead to falling prices faster than you can run!  Keep calm and carry-on!  Don’t think of dipping into your hive or you’ll get stung!!
3. Drop to the ground in the fetal position and cover the back of your neck with your hands. Says it all really
4. Play dead. Grizzlies will stop attacking when they feel there’s no longer a threat – consider ignoring the stock market for the next few weeks and keep up with your regular investing.  Although there are bears in the woods you can still enjoy the great outdoors.

Black Bear Market Attack

Image result for black bearDespite the name, the black bear is not as bad as the grizzly.  Smaller, wide-spread and omnivorous – it could eat you up anytime, anywhere for anything!

So how to you deal with a black bear market attack?

1. Carry bear pepper spray. Cash will keep you safe.
2. Stand your ground and make lots of noise. Try typing really loudly about why this bear market is just a temporary bear market and where we are walking to has no more bears.
3. Don’t climb a tree. Black bear markets are excellent climbers. Climbing up a tree won’t help you out here.  Trees particularly to avoid include Apple trees,
4. Fight back. If the black bear market actually attacks, fight back. Attack by reducing your spending and selling your unneeded items.  Black bears love the taste of turkey, so consider going vegetarian over the Christmas break! When a black bear markets sees that you are willing to endure a festive tofurkey dinner, they’ll usually just give up.


Times may be tough, but if you are out in the woods walking you should expect to meet a few wild animals.  Does a bear market shit in the wood?  Well, it does make things a bit shit for us but remember – every time the markets go down, it means that what you are buying and investing in has just become better value for money.

For balance, other bear markets are available including:

  • Polar bear (ice-caps melting!!!)
  • Asian black bear (Asian contagion!!!)
  • Sun bear (lack of sunlight is making GFF crazy)
  • Planda bear (Chinese mega-bubble goes pop!!!)
  • Yogi bear (I’m investing in Picnic Baskets for in preparation for no-deal Brexit)

Merry Xmas one and all!

Thanks, GFF (smarter than the average father)


10 thoughts on “How to Survive a Bear Market Attack!

  1. “would you prefer to walk through a forest full of bears or a field full of bulls”: easy. A bear can outrun you, outclimb you, and outswim you. Bulls can’t climb trees.


      1. I once escaped from a field full of frisky steers by vaulting a hedge. A bear would have crashed straight through it before I’d even reached my bike.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. This is a fun post. I’ve actually encountered black bears hiking, and there was even one on my street 2 years back. I’d much rather face them than a bear market. The idea of tofuturkey does offend me, though. I’d rather eat one of the wild turkeys that wander across my yard a few times a month!

    Liked by 1 person

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